Year: 2016

Call it The Good Girl Effect: Women are taught from an early age to be nice and accept what they can get. Asking for more than they’re offered, or worse—what they really want—is always a no-no. When little girls grow up and enter the workplace, the shame that they carry around negatively affects their financial lives. Women are four times less likely to ask for a raise than men. And over the course of a lifetime, that can take a huge financial toll. So take a deep breath and have that conversation with your boss. Here are a few tips to get you through.

Be Prepared
Timing is everything, especially with raises. Are cost-cutting reminders being sent to everyone on a weekly basis? Did the holiday party get downgraded to a potluck in the lunchroom? Be conscious of the overall financial picture of the company. Wait for a moment when you know there is some wiggle room in the budget.

If the time is now, then do your homework. Find out what other people in your field are making to come up with a ballpark figure. Come armed with information, and ask for a merit raise between 1% and 5%. Be judicial: If you are just getting by, you are unlikely to get more than a 1% raise. But if you are putting in a lot of overtime, try going as high as 6%.

Don’t Whine
No one likes a complainer. You’re working too hard? Guess what, your boss is working harder, most likely in ways that are not obvious to you. And even if she isn’t, she believes she is—so either way, your complaints will fall on deaf ears. Going negative will get you nowhere. It’s best to stick to the facts and positive figures to win over the higher ups.

Demonstrate Why You’re Worth It
Are you personally responsible for increased revenue for the company? It’s important to point out specifics about how your contributions are growing the company. Use numbers, statistics, and any other concrete facts you have to make your case. You should be integral to the overall success of the company in order to get that bump—show them that you are.

Don’t Compare Yourself to a Coworker
If you know a coworker is making more money than you for the same job, it is inappropriate to bring that up in this meeting. Your boss already knows that the other person is making more, and may be upset that the other person let the news out. Don’t rat out your friends, just stick to demonstrating why you deserve a raise.

Talk about the Future
How are you going to contribute to the company moving forward? By describing in detail to your boss how you will help her and the company as you all grow together, you are showing that you are worth the investment that they’re making in you. And be sure to follow through on those promises. That will keep you in good graces for more money next year, too.

The post How to Ask For (and Get!) a Raise appeared first on Tips on Life and Love.

Divorce is a huge life transition, but unlike other major changes, we may come to it totally unprepared. We plan for other upheavals—especially good ones. We save for years to send a child to college. We make lists months ahead of a major move. We might take a year to plan a wedding. But we don’t spend the waning years of marriage flipping through glossy divorce magazines, or zip down to the bank to open a Divorce Savings Account the minute friction arises. We continue to invest in our marriage, as we should. To some, it feels disrespectful to a marriage—or even morally suspect—to actively plan for a successful, calm un-marrying.

This not-planning is understandable, but it contributes to what can feel like a whirlwind of chaos. As with a natural disaster, an emergency preparedness tool kit can help you weather the storm. A divorce tool kit doesn’t contain canned frankfurters and bottled water, but rather the tools you need to establish order, resume calm, and remind yourself that you are in control.

A Divorce Tool Kit contains:

New routines for daily chores. In marriage, we tend to divvy up the duties. One cooks; the other does the books. The stronger partner hauls the carry-ons into the overhead bin; the more fastidious one swipes the tray tables with scented wipes. Now you have to figure out how to handle both partners’ tasks alone—or line up others to help. Mastering the routines calmly and confidently might involve asking neighbors for the name of a good handyman or tech support person, and meeting that person in advance. You might want a reliable babysitter, housekeeper, lawn maintenance person, or even cook, if that’s within your budget. Try to be honest about the household tasks your partner really did handle. If you fought over these basic routines, this is a chance to reestablish systems in your home that suit you better.

So many adults live alone today, with or without children at home, and services have cropped up to enable us to manage solo living more easily. You can buy single-serving salads at grocery stores, a single-cup coffee maker to replace the large pot you used together—even a split of champagne for celebrating a victory. You can order pretty much anything you need online, from groceries to cleaning supplies to paper goods to furniture. As alienating and lonely as this transition can be, it’s also an opportunity to break any limiting or destructive home-based habits that developed in your marriage, and replace them with more supportive, uplifting productive routines—whether that mean switching to an organic diet, taking time to call your distant relatives at night, or even catching up on reading.

A plan for dousing emotional flare-ups. Connection with others helps us regulate our emotions. This is one reason your former spouse might act “crazy”; he’s missing out on the salutary connection he had with you. In divorce, our emotions can ricochet wildly, and we no longer have another adult in the house to catch them—or talk us down.

When we feel bad, the natural reaction can be to lash out. Picking a fight is a common response to an inner whorl of negativity, but riding out moments of anger rather than acting on them can prevent a decent divorce from devolving into a disaster.

One man told me he’d sent nasty e-mails to his ex in the midst of their divorce. She showed them to their children, something it had never occurred to him she might do. “Those e-mails still affect my relationship with my kids,” he said. “I apologized to her, but they still have those e-mails in their minds. They’re in college, and it stands between us.”

Note to self: Never hit “send” in anger.

In divorce, most of us need to identify a new verbal support partner or team. Many people turn to a professional counselor, coach, or spiritual guide. Some people find help from cognitive behavioral therapy, a form of talk therapy based on the premise that our worst feelings often arise from twisted thinking and can be argued down by marshaling real evidence against it. Emotions are feelings, not facts. They feel like facts, but they aren’t.

We probably also have to expand our repertoire of self-soothing techniques—physical and mental activities that reliably shift our mood. Different things work for each of us. Think about what has helped you calm down and right yourself in the past, and have these approaches ready when you feel overwhelmed, anxious or angry. If running along the nearby trail reliably soothes you, make sure your shoes and socks are ready, and head out whenever you feel yourself becoming lonely or scared, or itching to pick up the phone and yell at your once-spouse. Have easy, at-home options too, such as listening to your favorite music, flipping through art books, calling a friends, even taking a nap. Emotional regulation is a key to having a good divorce, and it’s a skill that improves with practice.

An emergency responder. Who will take you to the ER at 2 a.m., or stay with one child while you take the other? In marriage, it’s usually that live-in emergency responder, our spouse. Identify other people you could turn to in a crisis, and ask them to be on your emergency support team. Give an extra key to your house to a trusted friend or neighbor. Offer to be the emergency responder to someone else—helping others is empowering, and reminds you of how much you do have to give.

You may never need to reach out for help, but lining up emergency responders lessens the feeling of being vulnerable, due to divorce. For many, myself included, our ex remains our emergency responder, at least in the immediate aftermath of separation. This worked for me, but with time, I could see how it might be more empowering to have someone else’s name to write on the “in case of emergency” line on standardized forms. I wanted to be less dependent on him, and to fully know that I lived within a community of support, and that there were people around I could turn to, should I need

With time, most of us learn to handle many of the tasks we once delegated, or perhaps never learned. So many people I interviewed spoke about the real pride that came with the challenge of “fending for themselves.” This is one stealth benefit of suddenly going solo—you can gain new competence, and the confidence that comes with knowing you can do so much yourself.

The post Divorce Tool Kit: 3 Items for a Successful Unmarrying appeared first on Tips on Life and Love.

Years of animal research and numerous human trials have shown the multiple benefits to be had from periodically reducing your calorie intake. These include not only weight loss but improvements in mood and memory.

So I went on what I called the 5:2 diet (eat normally five days a week, cut calories to around 600 on the other two days) and found it surprisingly manageable. I lost 20 pounds in twelve weeks, and my blood sugar levels and cholesterol levels returned to normal. After making the documentary I wrote a book, with Mimi Spencer, called The FastDiet, which included not only the science behind intermittent fasting but also a practical guide on how to do it.

Our book was not aimed at diabetics, however, and I wondered at the time if what had happened to me was unusual. So I decided to look more closely into the science linking calories, carbohydrates, obesity, insulin, and diabetes. That quest has resulted in my new book, The 8-Week Blood Sugar Diet.

A recent study published in the British Medical Journal found that in the United States, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), there are at least 29 million people with diabetes, and many don’t know they have it.

The number of people with prediabetes is even greater. The CDC estimates that it affects 86 million Americans, with fewer than one in ten being aware they are at risk. People of Asian descent are particularly vulnerable; researchers recently estimated that more than 100 million people in that country now have diabetes, while 500 million have prediabetes. Again, most are blissfully unaware.

So, do you want to lose weight, improve your health, and get your blood sugar under control? Do you want to achieve this while eating tasty, wholesome food? Well, you’re in the right place.

In this post, we are going to talk about the practicalities of the diet itself. It is a bold and radical diet, one that involves eating 800 calories a day for up to eight weeks. It will help you get rid of your visceral (abdominal) fat fast. Once your visceral fat levels start to drop (and this happens within days), then the fat clogging up your liver will also begin to melt away like snow under a hot sun. Within weeks both prediabetics and type 2 diabetics should see their blood sugar levels falling back toward normal. This will set you on course for a leaner, healthier future.

But this is not just a one-off weight loss program, something you do for a few weeks and then are done with forever. It is part of a lifestyle system built on three core principles that are intended to support you not only while you are on the diet but also, crucially, when you have finished and are moving on to the next stage in your life. Understanding and applying these principles is important for long-term success. So here they are, the three core principles of the Blood Sugar Diet: going Mediterranean, getting active, and sorting out your head.

1. Going Mediterranean
I am going to introduce you to a Mediterranean-style low-carb eating plan. This is a tasty and healthy way of living. It is low in starchy, easily digestible carbs, but packed full of disease-fighting vitamins and flavonoids. It is rich in olive oil, fish, nuts, fruit, and vegetables, but also contains lots of delicious foods that over the years we have been told not to eat, such as full-fat yogurt and eggs.

In huge, randomized studies researchers have found not only that people get multiple health benefits from a Mediterranean style of eating but also that it’s easy and enjoyable to stick to (unlike a low-fat diet).

Although it is derived from the eating habits of people living in Mediterranean countries, you can apply the principles of Mediterranean-style eating to a wide range of different cuisines, from Chinese and Indian to Mexican and Scandinavian.

2. Getting Active
We all know how important being more active is, yet few of us find the time or inclination to go on regular runs or visit the gym. If you are thinking, “You must be joking—I can’t possibly become more active while cutting my calories,” then be reassured that the activity program I outline in The 8-Week Sugar Diet and in a post this Friday, March 18, is not going to leave you tired or hungry. It should improve your mood and make the diet easier. Being more active is also the best way to reverse insulin resistance, which lies at the heart of most blood sugar problems.

In brief, you will start by standing up more (later on I will go into the science of why simply getting up every thirty minutes for one minute or so makes such a big difference). Everyone can do this.

You will need to increase the amount that you walk. In “Before You Start” (which I’ll tell you more about in my next post), I will give you a simple way to assess your current level of fitness.

You will also need to embark on a set of strength-building resistance exercises, which you will start on Day 1 of the diet and build over the eight weeks. No special equipment is required.

Finally, you will be introduced to one of the biggest breakthroughs in sports science in the last decade. It is a cardio program that in a few weeks can significantly improve your aerobic fitness, the strength of your heart and lungs. The program outlined in my book The 8-Week Blood Sugar Diet has been specifically designed for diabetics and those who are currently not very fit, and you will be pleased to hear that it does not involve hours of jogging. In fact, it requires only a few minutes a week. It is optional, but it is very effective, and it is something I now do on a regular basis.

3. Sort out your head
The last of the three core principles is about getting your head in the right place—learning how to de-stress and reduce impulsive eating.

We all know how easy it is when things go wrong to reach for the cookies or cake. Well, this is the stress hormone, cortisol, in action. As well as driving “comfort eating,” cortisol makes your body more insulin-resistant, which makes you hungry. All good reasons to get your stress levels down.

While making a science documentary about the brain not long ago, The Truth About Personality, I investigated different ways to reduce stress and build resilience, and the one that I found most effective was mindfulness. It’s a modern take on meditation, something that has been practiced by all the great religions. In recent years mindfulness has become incredibly fashionable among celebrities, business leaders, and athletes. The reason is that it works. A few short sessions of mindfulness done each week should be enough to reduce stress and anxiety.27 I was skeptical before I began doing it three years ago, but I have now made it part of my life.

So these are the three core principles that will support you through the Blood Sugar Diet and which I hope you’ll maintain when you finish it. Because it is so important to what comes next, I am going to spell out how to Mediterraneanize your eating habits before moving on to the details of the Blood Sugar Diet as a whole.

In the long run your metabolic rate will slow down no matter how quickly or slowly you lose weight, simply because you are now no longer carrying the equivalent of a large, heavy suitcase full of fat wherever you go. That is why it is important to keep your metabolic rate up by doing strength exercises (which I’ll talk about in my next post) and keeping active as your weight drops.

Blood Sugar Diet Case Study: I Lost a Dress Size in a Week
Elizabeth 54, says, “Over the years I must have lost and then regained the weight of an entire rugby team. But I always reverted to old habits: pies, cakes and pastries, and a chocolate bar every day. Then six years ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. My parents had it and it really affected their quality of life—they always felt tired and the diabetes was listed a contributing factor on Mum’s death certificate.

I tried to lose weight but the diet my doctor recommended was hard to stick to and I gave up within a month. My sugar levels got so high he had to increase my diabetes medication. Then I heard about the 800-calorie diet for people with diabetes. I jumped at the chance. Since I’ve been on the diet I’ve gone from a size 22 to a 12, and my waist has shrunk 9 inches. I used to feel tired all the time, but now walk with a real spring in my step. But the change I’m most thrilled about is my blood sugar: I’ve come off all medication. I just wish I’d had the chance to lose weight in this way six years ago.

The post How the 8-Week Blood Sugar Diet Works appeared first on Tips on Life and Love.

Meditation does more than just relax your body, it actually changes the way we regulate how our mind operates. It can help you achieve a mind/body balance in ways you could never imagine. Joseph Cardillo explains the two most popular methods of meditation in Body Intelligence: Harness Your Body’s Energies for Your Best Life.

Meditation is one way you can use mindfulness to regulate the way your mind is automatically activating various procedures, making them work for you more strategically, as well as deactivating ones that are disempowering. It is also the best way we have to cultivate more psychological currency, physical energy and spiritual energy, and ultimately achieve a greater level of alertness. Used properly, meditation will amplify the effects of all other methods of cultivating energy. It is an essential skill for achieving unity of body-mind-spirit and for accessing, transferring, and transforming energies throughout your whole being.

There are many types of meditation. The most popular type, however, is emptying your mind of thoughts, feelings, and voices; sitting with your eyes closed; and slowing and deepening your breathing in order to silence your mind. Whenever your attention wanders to a thought or an internal voice, reel it back in by focusing on the sound of your breathing. This is known as a concentration meditation. Your point of concentration can be the sound of your breathing or something else, such as an object, word, or color. Remember, these are all forms of energy, and they carry information and power you can use.

Another popular form of meditation involves widening your focus to take in the whole river of data coming at you. Here, you ready yourself as you did in the concentration meditation, yet rather than narrowing your focus to an object or the sound of your breathing, you are simply observing all of the information entering your field, trying not to judge, disturb, or attach to any of it as it flows through your mind. This is like watching thoughts, images, and feelings float across your mind as if they were leaves reflecting in a shimmering lake.

Both forms of meditation are effective, and many individuals practice them to relax or just get their mind off of things. The reason they work is because they slow you down, but they do not dilute alertness. In fact, your alertness should increase. Primarily, you are placing your thoughts and feelings in the background of your awareness and letting your pure, unthinking alertness flow into the foreground. You are energetically relaxed, yes, but you are also simultaneously increasing the crispness of your attention.

The post 2 Easy Ways To Meditate appeared first on Tips on Life and Love.

This easy gratin is a great weekend brunch option. From Williams-Sonoma Cooking at Home.

*Makes 4–6 servings

4 tablespoons (2 oz.) unsalted butter
1 shallot, minced
6 oz. cremini mushrooms, sliced
1 1/2 teaspoons dry mustard
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 small bunch Swiss chard, about 6 oz., coarsely chopped
1 bunch spinach, about 3/4 lb., tough stems removed and coarsely chopped
Salt and ground pepper
1/3 cup (1 1/2 oz.) fine dried bread crumbs
3–4 tablespoons grated Parmesan cheese
1 tablespoon olive oil

Preheat the oven to 325°F. Lightly butter a shallow 1-qt baking dish.

In a large frying pan over medium heat, melt 2 tablespoons of the butter. Add the shallot and mushrooms and sauté until softened, about 2 minutes. Stir in the mustard and sauté for 10 seconds longer. Stir in 1/2 cup (4 fl. oz.) water and the vinegar. Add the chard and spinach, a handful at a time, waiting for each handful to wilt before adding the next one. It should take about 30 seconds for each addition to wilt. When all of the greens have been added, season with salt and pepper and remove from the heat.

Transfer to the prepared baking dish. Sprinkle the breadcrumbs and cheese evenly over the top, and then drizzle evenly with the oil. Cut the remaining 2 tablespoons butter into small pieces and dot the top.

Bake until the gratin is heated through and the top is golden brown, 15–20 minutes. Serve right away, directly from the dish.

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