The 7 Habits of Healthy Fighting
In I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To, my therapist and renowned psychologist Dr. Xavier Amador, Ph.D offers his tips on how to best work through a conflict with your partner.
No one wants to fight when one or both sides fight dirty: name-calling, insults. This always ends with silence, sulking, or screaming. Fights hurt relationships when we make the other person defensive. This is toxic fighting. Instead, practice the 7 habits to healthy fighting from my book I’m Right, You’re Wrong, Now What? and focus on your contribution, not his. You can’t control what he does but you can learn to stop throwing gasoline on the fire.
The 7 Habits to Healthy Fighting
1. Stop insisting you’re right. If you’ve said your piece twice and he still doesn’t get it, it’s time to stop.
2. Don’t engage in insults or name-calling. “That’s stupid,” “Youre an idiot,” “You don’t care,” “Bastard,” and worse just lead to defenses going up.
3. Pick the right time. Don’t argue drunk, when he’s exhausted and trying to sleep, when he’s trying to rush out the door to work, etc. Use common sense. It can wait.
4. Never use absolutes. “You always…” or “You never…” tell him he’s been tried, found guilty as charged, and convicted. Expect an angry defense.
5. Don’t “kitchen-sink it.” If you’re upset about last night, don’t bring up last Tuesday, last week, or last month. And don’t add other complaints. Fight one battle at a time. Throwing everything in but the kitchen sink escalates a single argument into a war.
6. Listen without defending. If you’re defensive, he will be defensive. He won’t feel heard and he won’t be interested in hearing you because he will be busy defending himself.
7. Reflect back what you have heard. Instead of a boxing match where you block and counterpunch, practice verbal Jujitsu. If he insults you, reflect it back. “So you’re saying I’m being unreasonable? Is that right?” He will feel heard, calmer, and off balance.
—Xavier Amador, Ph.D., president,
LEAP Institute, www.leapinstitute.org
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Eliminate These Items and Make the World a Better Place
After more than a decade of organizing people’s homes and offices, there are certain things that I’ve often wished never existed. The ubiquity of these, and the speed at which I do away with them, has me convinced that the world would truly be a better place if I never saw another one.
Sounds harsh, but read on, and I’m sure you’ll agree. Here are my top ten:
1. Party favors— It’s bad enough that children today get trophies for playing on a team and getting a haircut, but do we have to give them trophies for attending parties? Does anyone need a trophy saying, “I Had Fun at Ethan’s 6th Birthday Party”? Does anyone need a bag of cheap, plastic crap or candy after having cake and ice cream? Why are we bribing children to come to parties?
2. Reply-all emails—Unless I’m the one organizing the meeting, bake sale, or party, I don’t need to know that you’re coming, too.
3. Tote bags—Used for anything other than toting. If it’s stuffed with junk in your closet then it’s no longer a tote bag—it’s a garbage bag.
4. Monogrammed gifts—They can’t be returned. And people have a very hard time discarding anything with their name or their child’s name on it. Even when they don’t want it. Need I say more?
5. “Economy” sizes—They’re the opposite of economy. Unless you’re raising the Gosselin eight, how much ketchup can you really use by the expiration date?
6. Paint your own pottery—Slapping paint on a pre-made ceramic is not creating art. It’s creating junk…that’s expensive… that your child will then want to display. Find another way to entertain your child.
7. Poster board—Or rather, school projects on poster board. A three year old can navigate an i-Pad, so a school age child can certainly figure out how to use Power Point.
8. Pedestal sinks—Where are you supposed to put the toilet paper and extra soap?
9. School half days—Either give the children a day off, or keep them all day. Anything in between is annoying and hard to plan around. And while we’re at it, let’s also eliminate parent participation events that start in the middle of the day. Most parents work, and it’s convenient for no one, stressful for everyone.
10. Work parties—That’s an oxymoron if I ever heard one.
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Paleo Diet Could be Best for Postmenopausal Weight Loss
A recent article from Web MD suggests that adhering to a Paleo diet may help post menopausal women lose weight, as well as reduce their risk of diabetes and heart disease. Researchers claim that these benefits can be experienced without calorie restriction due to the nature of the Paleo diet. What is Paleo? The Paleo […]
Peggy K Fat Burning Recipes
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Orange, Lavender and Figs Recipe: First-Prize Breakfast Sandwich with Orange Lavender Fig Jam
This exceptional breakfast creation marries fluffy, omelet-style eggs and floral fig jam with buttery Taleggio cheese and crispy English muffins. From Orange, Lavender, & Figs.
For those who linger at the Sunday brunch table, this sweet and savory sandwich makes for an extraordinary sit-down delight. For busy weekday mornings, break out the tin foil and wrap it up for easy on-the-go eating.
SERVES 4
½ cup Orange Lavender Fig Jam (recipe follows)
6 large eggs
½ teaspoon kosher salt
¼ teaspoon coarse black pepper
4 English muffins, split in half
1½ tablespoons unsalted butter
8 ounces Taleggio cheese, rind removed and sliced
1 cup baby arugula
Make the Orange Lavender Fig Jam and place it in the fridge to cool down while you prepare the rest of the ingredients.
Position a rack 4 to 6 inches from the heat and preheat the oven to broil.
In a bowl, whisk the eggs with the salt and pepper. Toast the English muffins until golden brown and set aside.
In a large nonstick skillet, heat the butter over medium-high heat. When the butter begins to foam and sizzle, pour the eggs into the pan. As the bottom begins to cook, lift up the outside of the eggs with a heatproof spatula so that the runny center flows to the sides of the pan. When the bottom is fully cooked—about 30 seconds—carefully flip the eggs so that they’re now top-side down. If you’re not comfortable flipping the eggs, scramble them with the spatula until soft and fluffy. Immediately remove the eggs from the heat and divide into 4 portions.
Spread all 8 toasted English muffin halves with fig jam. Top 4 of the halves with even portions of scrambled egg and Taleggio, and place them on a baking sheet. Broil until the cheese is melted, about 45 seconds. Top the melted cheese with arugula and the other half of the English muffin.
FANFARE TIP
To achieve a tasty meal on a hectic morning, think ahead. Prepare this sandwich the night before, wrap it in foil, and refrigerate. When you roll out of bed, head to the kitchen and pop the package into a 350°F oven. Twenty minutes later and you’ll be on your way with a breakfast to boast about.
Orange Lavender Fig Jam
Today could be the day that you pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for making fig jam. I’m very proud of you. This fragrant, juicy spread can do no wrong, and there’s nowhere it can’t go. Try it on crackers, on toast, in a wrap. Try it in a box, with a fox, with a mouse, in a house.
Wait, I got carried away. Just try it. Trust me.
MAKES 2 CUPS
1 pound fresh figs, stemmed and halved (or ½ pound dried figs, stemmed)
1 teaspoon grated orange zest
3 tablespoons orange juice (or ½ cup if using dried figs)
1⁄3 cup packed light brown sugar (or ¼ cup if using dried figs)
½ tablespoon fresh lavender* or 1 teaspoon dried
Pinch of kosher salt
In a medium saucepan, combine the figs, orange zest, orange juice, brown sugar, lavender, and salt. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat. If using fresh figs, mash with a potato masher. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer for 10 minutes. If using dried figs, now you can mash with a potato masher or pulse in a food processor for a very smooth spread. Refrigerate the jam for at least 20 minutes before serving.
FANFARE TIP
Make entertaining easy on yourself. A few elegant crackers, several varieties of artisanal cheese (Saint André, Drunken Goat, English Stilton), and a bowl of this fig jam will win you hostess of the year in a pinch—of lavender.
*Growing up with a certified energy healer for a mom meant that in our house, essential oils were as common as spice rubs. When I’ve succumbed to stress, the sweet, floral aroma of lavender cradles me like the therapeutic arms of my mom. I incorporate the calming herb wherever I can, as its soothing flavor further enhances an already harmonious treat like fig jam.
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Resistance Training is Best Defense Against Type 2 Diabetes
According to a recent article in the Wall Street Journal, engaging in some form of physical activity every day may serve as the most effective way to lower your risk of developing Type 2 diabetes, as well as the most important step in managing the disease in those that have already been diagnosed. A 2014 […]
How Being Happily Single Can Lead to Being Happily Married
Since women now have options for living a fulfilling life without marriage, holding out for the right person has become possible in a way that it wasn’t for earlier generations. I was able to find a partner as a direct result of being able to live my life the way I wanted. Read more about the contemporary lives of women in my book All The Single Ladies.
Back when women needed a man, truly needed one, to earn money, provide social standing and a roof, needed to be married in order to enjoy a socially sanctioned sex life or have children who wouldn’t be shunned, standards could be lower. They were necessarily lower. A potential mate could more easily get away with offering only a pay check, a penis, and a pulse.
Today, women want much more, and holding out for better partners is part of how we’re improving—and thereby saving—marriage.
The lion’s share of finding love is luck, in tandem with privilege, since key to propitious circumstance is opportunity: the opportunities on offer to us when we are born, the resources and options made available to us as we grow.
These were the circumstances by which I wound up married: One night I was headed back to my apartment; I was planning to work late. When I got off the subway, I decided to stop at a favorite neighborhood restaurant, a place I frequented with my girlfriends, to get some takeout pasta. After I ordered, I sat at the bar to drink a glass of water, and noticed a handsome man sitting next to me, eating by himself at the bar. He was reading a magazine and drinking a glass of wine. I watched him in the mirror above the bar and felt, suddenly, that I wanted to know him. Unconsciously, I dropped my glass of water and it broke on the bar. He looked up, and we began a conversation.
I was neither looking nor not looking for love; I was looking for dinner.
There was no strategy. It might just as easily never have happened.
There was nothing special about what I was doing or wearing or how I was acting or my approach to the relationship or whether he called me back. In fact, he was in the late stages of grief and initially hesitant about entering a relationship: If I had listened to the advice from He’s Just Not That Into You I would never have pursued him, never wound up discovering exactly how easily we fell into each other.
The only action I took in my life that had a direct impact on meeting the man I wound up marrying was that I didn’t marry anyone before him. This wasn’t on purpose: I had wished many times that I could will myself into non-excellent relationships, because I had little evidence that better ones existed, and I thought that maybe I just needed to come to grips with the fact that if I really wanted to be in love, it wasn’t going to be perfect.
But, mostly, I didn’t pursue people I wasn’t crazy about because I was busy doing other things that I enjoyed more than I enjoyed being with men I wasn’t crazy about. That abstention meant that, when a good relationship with someone I was crazy about became a possibility, I was free to pursue it.
I wound up happily married because I lived in an era in which I could be happily single.
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