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Texting is convenient, I know. You can exchange information quickly. But for relationship growth, the text zone is the dead zone. From my book I Suck at Relationships So You Don’t Have To.

I have a girlfriend who met a guy at a party, and they connected over a bottle of wine. The next day, he video-chatted with her from his bedroom, and almost without her realizing it, this became their main method of communication. At first, this seemed novel and fun. He got her all set up with the video-chat program, which she had never used before. However, the more she tried to get him to call or go out with her, the more she realized that he never wanted to leave his house or socialize with people he didn’t know. She didn’t realize the full extent of the situation until it was very difficult to extricate herself.

Be a sexual person, but don’t be a textual person. Here are my simple rules for a healthy textual relationship:

1. At the beginning of a relationship, if you give someone your number, just say something simple, like “Give me a call.” If you get a text, you could text back briefly a few times but don’t let it go too far. Text back: “Why don’t you give me a call?” This sets a precedent right up front. If it continues, shut it down. Start ignoring the texts completely. Once, a guy who was interested in me wanted to text all the time. When I told him I wasn’t a “texting person” and wanted to speak to him on the phone, he fell off the grid. I could have wasted six months sending him texts and hoping it would turn into something more. I’m glad I shut it down early. At the beginning of a more recent relationship, I admitted I wasn’t a great texter. I did that in the beginning because, later, I knew I could fall back on that if he started texting me too much. He could always say, “You’re not really great at this texting thing,” and I could say, “I told you!”

2. Once you’ve received a phone call, only use texting for the exchange of brief information, like confirming details or locations. “See you at 8, I drive a Volvo,” or “In the corner booth wearing the blue shirt.”

3. Once you’ve been out on an actual date, texting is okay for brief flirtation or anticipation. “Had a great time.” “You looked so sexy last night.” “Really looking forward to tonight!” But be sure the anchor of your communication remains in-person or phone conversations. Don’t get sucked into an hours-long textual exchange, as romantic as that may seem to you. Keep it brief. Save the intimate exchanges and playful banter for in person or at least on the telephone, where you can hear each other’s voices.

4. Once you are in a long-term relationship, you don’t have to be quite so careful, unless you start to get lazy and sloppy and you stop connecting in person. If you share a life together, especially if you live together, texting does become convenient. “Can you pick up something for dinner?” “This meeting is boring! Thinking of you.” “I have a surprise for tonight . . . ;-).” The goal is to eventually have more but briefer texts and fewer but longer phone calls. It’s texting with a side of phone. This is also convenient when either or both of you are at work. Unlike a phone call, a text can be read when it’s convenient.

5. Never, ever, ever have emotional conversations, arguments, or important discussions by text. The potential for misunderstanding is just too great. Don’t be one of those people who never looks up from her phone. Connect with real people. It feels so much better.

6. Cheaters use text. Just know that. His wife could be in the room while he’s texting you.

If you find yourself in the text zone, you need a text-ervention. Just stop texting back. Or wait to text back for a while. Instant responses mean you’re too available anyway. Answer a basic question like “When are we meeting?” but don’t answer questions like “Hey, what are you doing?” or even worse, “Hey . . .” (Translation: booty call.) Refusal to live in the text zone will separate you from the booty-call girls.

If texting has become an ingrained habit for both of you, you might also consider doing a cleanse. Agree to do it so you each know the other isn’t ignoring you. Even one day of not texting each other at all can make the biggest difference in the world, if that is how you have become used to communicating.

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Feeling lonely after a breakup is normal. But it’s during these tough times that your real friends will come through for you. You know the ones who greet you at the front door with Kleenex and a bottle of wine. That is the silver lining of a breakup: You learn who your real friends are. From It’s Not Okay: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After.

It’s interesting how sometimes it takes a tragedy, whether it’s death, divorce, or something as simple as a bad day, to see who your true friends are. My breakup is no different. Some of my friendships have been strengthened over the past weeks, while others have been exposed as flimsy. I’ve certainly lost some friends now that I’m no longer one half of a pseudofamous couple, but I guess those people were never really my friends in the first place.

It’s become more apparent than ever who my real friends are. They are the ones who ask, “How are you?” rather than “OMG! What happened?” They love me unconditionally, even when I can’t do anything for them. They are what I like to call my “bury-the-body friends.” You know the type, we all have them—the ones you call in the middle of the night and say, “Oops, I did something bad, and he’s in my trunk.” And all they ask is, “Where are the shovels?” and “How far down are we digging?” I’m realizing that no matter how alone I feel in this world, I’m not. I have friends and family whom I love and who love me back, and who save me from my own self-destruction. I get emotional thinking about it. I don’t deserve such love and support, yet I am indescribably thankful for it. It’s the only way I’ve managed to make it to this point, because let’s be honest, there’s no chance in hell I’d make it if it were up to me alone.

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I am a bodybuilder. I cannot even count the number of times that I have walked around in a tank top and people have asked me, “wow, do you do a lot of yoga or something?” I used to get so offended by this question. I would think to myself, “How in God’s name does anyone […]

I was on‑air with Alexandra Barzvi, host of Doctor Radio, and parents were calling in on how to reduce tantrums. “Stress comes before the anger,” I told one parent. “Helping your child learn to calm down before the meltdown is your goal.”

The next caller had advice. Her eight-year-old son was exploding after school until Mom realized that he didn’t know how to decompress. So she put a beanbag chair in a quiet corner with a CD player and a few of his favorite books.

“The next day, I asked him to sit with me because ‘I had a bad day and needed to relax,’” she said. “It became our new after-school ritual, and his meltdowns slowly faded. Two weeks later, I found him in the beanbag listening to music. He told me ‘I’m relaxing’. Now he does it daily: he just needed me to show him how to calm down.”

I’m sure every listener bought a beanbag chair that day. But that mom reminded everyone that helping our kids manage emotions starts by showing them how. Learn these simple steps and more in my book UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.

Model calmness. Your child’s best template for learning self-regulation is you. So how do you act in front of your kids after a hard day? When you’re driving with your children and another car cuts in front of you? When the bank says you’re overdrawn? Your kids are watching, so make sure your behavior is what you want them to copy.

Tune in to your child. How does your child handle stress? If he has a stressful experience or sees another in distress does he:

Develop physical ailments like a headache, stomachache, or heart palpitations?
Try to avoid the person or the scene?
Become distressed and try to block out the person’s pain?
Have trouble bouncing back and need a long time to recover?
Need help calming down to recover?

Learn your child’s emotional needs so you can empathize and know how to help.

Identify body alarms. Say: “We have little body signs that warn us we’re getting upset and need to calm down.” Help your child recognize her body alarms such as flushed cheeks, clenched fists, tightened muscles, pounding heart, churning tummy, dry mouth, and quicker breaths. Then point out her sign quietly when she first gets frustrated: “Your hands are in fists. Are you feeling yourself getting stressed?” The more kids are aware of early stress, the better they’ll be at regulating their emotions.

Create a quiet space. Find a place to help your family decompress. Size doesn’t matter, but it should have a soothing feel. It might have a beanbag or rocking chair, soft pillows, stuffed animals, or a CD player. Introduce it as a “place to calm down for every family member.” Hint: Kids should equate the spot as a place to decompress, not for discipline or time-out.

Make a Stress Box. My friends at the Thompson Child and Family Focus developed a Stress Box to teach students self-regulation. It includes an MP3 player with soothing music, a Koosh ball, a bubble blower, and a notepad and pen or crayons to “write away their anger,” and books about feelings. Younger kids: Glad Monster, Sad Monster, by Ed Emberley and Anne Miranda; On Monday When It Rained, by Cheryl Kachenmeister. Older kids and teens: Fighting Invisible Tigers, by Earl Hipp; or Hot Stones & Funny Bones, by Brian Luke Seaward. Make a family stress box, teach everyone how to use each stress reducer, and then put it in your quiet place for your family.

Teach a self-regulation strategy. Each child needs a calming strategy that works for him. This chapter offers numerous self-regulation techniques, so find one that appeals to your child.Then help him practice until it becomes a habit.

The post How to Use Empathy to Avoid Meltdowns in 6 Easy Steps appeared first on Tips on Life and Love.

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