3 Fashion Rules for A Baller First Date

Every relationship starts with a first date, but there’s so much confusion about them. What do you say when he asks? When should it be? And most importantly, what do you wear? Here are the rules for making the best first impression from I Had a Nice Time and Other Lies…: How to Find Love & Sh*t Like That.

Assuming there’s no awkward texting dynamic and the bro promptly asks you when you’re free for a date, you should never accept the first day he suggests unless that’s literally the only time you can swing. Remember, you’re busy as fuck. Just because what you’re busy with is an ABC Family Movie marathon is no reason to accept the first date he proposes. He doesn’t need to know what you’re doing, only that you’re in demand. So, suggest a different day and if he can’t do that then agree to the next one he suggests. Make it work but don’t be so amenable that you appear desperate for male interaction. That’s what Tinder is for.

The first few dates should try to be scheduled for weekdays because you have a shit-ton of other important fun stuff to do on a Friday night with your friends besides waste it meeting a guy whom you barely know for a drink. You only get two weekend nights per week. Think about who really deserves them. You’ll know you really give a fuck about a guy when you’re actually willing to forgo your bestie’s thousandth Saturday night pregame to let him take you to dinner.

Finally, the day of your date has arrived and the worst has happened. You have no fucking idea what to wear! Take a minute to breathe. This is the moment you have been preparing for at yogalates. You can do this. Here’s what you do:

1. Don’t go too fancy. You don’t want him to think you bought an entire new outfit for this occasion. I mean, you probably did but, again, the less he knows the better. If you’re going to wear a dress or a skirt, make sure the heels are casual. Tight jeans with a tank or top that you sleep in will do. And wear something you’re comfortable in so that you don’t spend the entire night fidgeting, making sure the button on your top doesn’t bust into his eyeball. But remember, “comfortable” never means you’ve fallen into the Gap.

2. Don’t go too slutty. Key word here is “too.” Don’t wear a turtleneck, but don’t wear a crop top with lowrise shorts, either. Find a chic medium that shows skin but leaves room for the imagination. The goal here is that if there’s a lull in the conversation, he won’t notice because he’ll be wondering what your cleavage leads to. If he can basically see what your nipples look like, well, then he’s probably not going to notice the lull, either, because he’ll be too focused on getting rid of his boner.

3. Don’t go all Kardashian Glam Squad. Never wear too much makeup on the first date. Unless he’s Helen Keller’s cousin with similar vision impairment issues, he will always notice and will equate slathering it on with insecurities. Did you ever wonder why men don’t watch Real Housewives? It’s because Teresa Giudice’s face looks more overdone than the phrase “sorry not sorry.” Get that shit down to clear, even, bronzed skin, natural blush, with some subtle eye shadow and eyeliner, and either a trendy dark lip or a light-pink gloss. If you have serious issues and don’t know how to tone it down, then we don’t know what to tell you. Watch YouTube?

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